Bellezza Nascosta

a stupid poem. i'm so emo...

2009-02-23T04:29:01Z

i'm so friggin emo. sorry, guys, just had to let off some steam.

untitled

I always feel so deep

I suffocate myself in too many things

Lose myself in the fact that I think too much

Oh god, someone please help me

My head’s spinning around and around and around

I can’t make it stop

I can’t feel ok anymore

I can’t be someone’s perfect

When all I want to do is cry and hurt and bleed from every pore

I can’t be what everyone wants

I’m so ready to break

So broken.

The tears keep on falling, pouring from the soul

I feel like I lost it forever in the past

Drowned in complications that won’t go away

God, why!? Why can’t I just be what I need, what I want to be

Why do I have to second guess every move

and wonder

and think

and cry

and breathe

and force myself to understand every stupid little thing!

I can’t do it!

So many parts of my screaming to be let out,

But so many ways I have to keep myself locked up

I could lose my mind like this

I could lose all hope like this

I want to be that perfect, but I don’t.

I want to be that one, but I’m not.

Every time I try, I’m shut down and burned out

I force the air from my lungs in hopes of seeing the shadows

I force my mind to accept the things my heart wont take in

And still I can’t make myself be everything they want.

The pressure builds on every side, yet I’m empty

It crushed and rips from the inside, and yet I’m still empty

And broken

And fallen

And hurt

And alone.

Why?

Because I want to be the broken one, I want to feel pain

Without it, I’m nothing

I’m not even real.

I’m not me

If I’m not broken.

Updates!

2008-12-01T18:49:14Z

Ok, so I took a few weeks off to see if I could get back on top of this thing. I was slowly being buried alive by my own sense of determination, and because of it have over a hundred pages of SoulBound completed. The problem being that it's all over the place chronologically. That's less than fun trying to piece everything together into chapters starting from the beginning. But no worries! I've gotten a few chapters ahead now, so hopefully the weekly updates will start happening again. Other notes are the fact that SoulBound has started up on Aria's Ink and the dotmoon.net fandoms. SWEET!
I've noticed a lot of people commenting on the characterization of Mamoru this time around, and I have to say I expected it. Just so everyone can follow my train of thought here, I took the characters themselves into account and completely junked the little kid vibe that the original show had. Not going to lie, that has always bugged me just a bit that it's geared toward such a young audience. Think about it a little with me; the main characters spend their nights killing monsters from another dimension, the main characters had a love affair good enough to destroy whole worlds over, and everyone was given a second chance that they really didn't deserve at the cost of Usagi's mother. Anyone else connecting the dots here? lol.
So, starting first off with Mamoru, I took all of his background information to piece together what I thought he'd actually be like in real life. The kid grew up in an orphanage, was a model, took karate, and dresses up like an 18th century noble to save the woman he loves. So (and lets face it, the guy is HOT) who's to say he wouldn't take advantage of what nature gave him before meeting Usagi? Who's to say he's a perfect gentleman and where did he learn it? It's not like he had those kind of role models growing up, and the guy really has no idea what love is. So, we've got the fact that he's good looking, kicks ass, and probably has few moral quibbles. Poof, there you have him in the beginning. But no worries to those girls who go for perfect prince charming -he wont ever get there, but he does get better, I promise. Nothin but the best for our Usa, you should know that ;)
Now, lets talk Usagi. She's got an overly protective father, makes friends easily, can be quite the spitfire, overwhelming sense of justice. Well, seeing as you will only see her as a secondary character (this is almost told completely from his point of view) you really only get the pieces of her that he picks up on. It's kind of a backwards way of looking at her through his filter, but it makes it more interesting I think. Everyone has this very mary-sue version of Usagi-chan and that....really isn't realistic. The girl's seen things in her lifetime that we'll never have to, not to mention the fact that her soulmate's broken up with her, and she's been hunted by nearly every bad thing in the cosmos. methinks. She'd have a bit more depth than just 'i'm happy all the time, and even though life sucks and I have no real talents, I'm still going to bounce around like a brainless fool.' No no no!!! I promise she's more than that! Someone please tell these fluff writers that there really is depth in the world, you just have to read between the lines to see it! Oh shoot me, I can't handle all of this romantic junk. If you're going to do it, at least do it outside of a fairytale book context. Seriously now!
Well...that was my rant for today. still working on different projects you'll be seeing soon.
Crazy love
Ellourrah

Coming Back Around

2008-11-13T22:33:05Z

Alrightie, let's get this show on the road.
So it's been a while since I've been on the net -about a year actually now that we're in November. I've been away on a religious thing, and since then got ridiculously sick, ended up in a hospital and a wheelchair and whatnot. It's less than exciting. Especially when those creepy seniors start glaring at you like you just stole their parking spot. AT LEAST YOU'RE ON YOU'RE FEET, BUCKO! Jerks. Whatever. Anyway, my recuperation has been going surprisingly well, I'm up and walking around and feeling really good despite a few problems still. I have been sitting around the house for about 4 months, and have been writing! I know you're all shocked! So, as a fun little treat, I've started putting up my latest project, SoulBound on both Destinys Gateway and FF.Net!! YAY!! I'm really excited about this particular project, because I get to start out intelligent in it!! No trying to write like a newbie just for the sake of plot! I'm lovin this.
So anyways, I've got a short I'm almost done with, which will go up here first I'm thinking, as well as working on my original for publication. Ya, I'm excited about that too!
Anywayz, keep it real
Ellourrah

Always and Forever

2007-10-07T20:05:08Z

Now is a time for tears and mourning, though I cannot seam to force myself to accept the fact. It is painful, as if a part of myself has been viciously amputated, only to be replaced with a gently searing void within my heart. The sadness does not come easily for me, and I often wonder if I am even human because of it. You are no longer there to make me laugh, to make my heart sing with your music, to teach me the quiet, simple truths you have accumulated over the many, many years. Your life was not one filled with glory or prestige, often I noted how your hands were wrinkled and swollen with labor. But your kind smiles and thoughtfulness reared me in my early years, and was a tender guiding light as I grew. You instilled in me the necessity of responsibility, of intelligence and kindness; but your music touched me. Often I remember standing beside you as your aged, wonderful hands caused the piano to tremble in delight, filling the air with incandescent beauty that can no longer be described. A part of me fears I will never find such wonder in the world ever again. Without you, I am no longer the proud young lady you always encouraged, but a meek and cowering mouse.

Your sweet, wonderful voice fills my memories with love. How we laughed together, plotting and planning our creations that could never take place. How I look forward to the day when we are reunited in the world to come; when I can once more lean over your shoulder as you play, and simply enjoy the beautiful workings of your skilled fingers on the keyboard. Our spiritual talks kept us up late at night a few times, no doubt causing Grandpa to do so as well. I miss sitting beside you, listening to your stories of those who have gone on before you, telling me of the great-grandparents I never knew. My soul cries to know that my own children will never know you on this earth. How deprived they will be to not feel your influence in their lives, as will we all be. How cruel yet justified is your passing, to take you from us seemingly too soon, yet freeing your indomitable spirit from the aged and broken body. We will always miss you, we will always look to your legendary example to teach those who come into our family the meaning of a Christ-like existence. Though it may take years to heal from the emptiness your departure has brought, the true meaning of your life is firmly imprinted upon our parents, ourselves, and our future children. You will never be forgotten, and we will never be without the memories you left us. Know only that we love you beyond measure, that we miss you, and that we look forward to the day of Resurrection when we can embrace once more in the Kingdom of our Father.

Lorraine D.T., January 6^th, 1929 - September 17th, 2007

Characterization

2007-08-20T19:14:57Z

There are times when fanfiction is brilliant, comedic or touching, frightening even; but it is the eternal curse of the craft to run into terrible writing all the time. This is not to say that those who are not good writers are necessarily bad, but to say that those who could be great choose instead to be of a mediocre caliber. There are, of course, many causes to this; but the particular habit I have seen most often is bad characterization, and terrible dialog. It actually pains me to express the amount of stories I have seen that turn naive, innocent characters into simple everyday whores without any explanation or crossover time. It is almost as if these people have written original characters in an original context, then simply changed the names so that it might be deemed ‘fanfiction.’ One story in particular, I am sad to report, actually spent more time trying to beat the brand-names-to-pages ratio record than to develop any sense of plot at all. How terrible this art has become when such things are actually put on the internet without further thought on the matter.

I myself am not opposed to the changing of traits or perspectives within the character’s range, but to say that some of these are absurd would be considered polite. Speaking from the standpoint of writers such as the great Naoko Takeuchi, this isn’t just mundane, it’s completely rude and irresponsible to take such deeply developed characters and turn them into everyday trash. Yes, I am speaking of the original manga versions of the Senshi, which cover such a broad spectrum that the anime simply could not keep up with the genius, so to speak. Though the tv show does have it’s place within the story, I honestly believe the only way to understand the true meaning of the piece, it is absolutely essential to view the original writings directly from the author.

To expand on this idea, I would even venture into the realm to classic books, the writing pedigree that includes geniuses from Jane Austin to Mark Twain and Edgar Allen Poe, all of these authors spent a great deal of time with their craft. Some have even inspired fanfiction prestigious enough for publication and wide acceptance. Why have we, as authors of the same inclination, reaching far below our own potential? Why have we chosen to allow this sense of complete carelessness to rule our very world? Outside our writing lay the realm of everyone else; and therefore is liable to be filled with many things that have no meaning to anyone else or great meaning to everyone else. When one realizes that writing is purely personal, they will realize that this other world does not matter. Once our viewpoints have become helplessly tangled with that of the outside world, we are no longer the individual writing our own thoughts, but a pathetic mind-slave to whatever culture we may live in. To those who are interested at all in writing in any sense of the word, I beg you to close off the rest of society and think for yourself. Create in a way that pleases you, not what everyone else thinks pleases them. It is crucial in this sense to be your own person, else we literally run into more and more of society within this beautiful, horrifying world we call fiction. Take the time to separate yourself from the collective, take time to develop within yourself, then turn those thoughts and ideas toward characterization, I promise you will not be disappointed with the result.

Introductions

2007-08-07T18:10:56Z

    Hello, everyone. I don't normally write in journals at all, so I guess we'll see how this goes. The pen's Ellourrah, and I'm a writer for the most part. I enjoy anything artsy or creative, and tend to be a little standoffish at first. I promise, I get over it quickly. I'm 21 and come from (unfortunately) Wyoming, USA. I've been writing stories since I was thirteen, though poetry dates a little farther back. My first published poem hit the UK market when I was sixteen, winning me 5 yrs consecutive Poet of the Year noms by the International Society of Poets. I've been in touring choirs since I was ten and have been to national ballroom dance competitions. I'm the third of twelve children, with two sisters and nine brothers. I've taken Kempo Karate and studied philosophy and mythology since grade school. Other interests are astronomy, ecology, biology, psychology, natural healing arts, painting, drawing, and clothing and floral design. I waitress at a bar and grill (where only the drunks hit on me *sniffle*)

    Current works in progress include the novel Out of Place, a Sailor Moon fanfiction, along with the short series The Simple Saga, the short works Death of a Moon, and Surrender. Original works in progress include Persephone, Legend of Kianna, The Shadows, and some poetry works as yet untitled. Current goals are, more recent, a religious mission that will hopefully start before the end of the year and the completion of all fanfics before that. More prolonged are publication of some original works, and maybe graduation from college (whichever comes first, lol)

    As one might see from my pics, I enjoy well done art. The genius who created these pieces is Jonathon Earl Bowser, whose works have greatly influenced my own. Most anything I have on here is by him. Catch his stuff at www.jonathonart.com.